Farscape Epic RPG: Calling Dr Crichton Love
by Chant99
Summary: John Crichton has been many things. Now he finds himself giving relationship advice to an unimaginable student... A Black Syndicate Enforcer.


Farscape Epic Rpg **Calling Dr. Crichton Love**

Crichton leafed through the newly acquired pad of star charts, trying his best to ignore the man sitting across from him. Which was turning out to be kind of hard seeing he'd been sitting there for almost half an arn, silently staring at him. Watching John like he was a bug under microscope, or a fish in a fishbowl.

John glanced at the Shrike out of the corner of one eye every so often, and saw the man hadn't moved an inch, much less a henta, or altered the blank expression on his face in the slightest. If Crichton had to guess, he didn't think he'd even seen the ex-assassin blink an eye even once.

The astronaut gradually found himself wishing that Berret would put something on his face, anything at all… a smile to show he was happy, a frown if he was sad… a freakin' grimace if he was angry about something.

This totally blank constant stare was driving him crazy!

Finally, he could take no more of the odd scrutiny and slammed the pad closed.

"What?" he asked more loudly then he intended, as he let the pad fall to the table between them. "What is it?" he asked again.

This time at least Berret cocked his head to one side and gave him a quizzical look.

"Why are you sitting there and just staring at me?" John tried again, shaking his hands in frustration.

"I am sorry, Crichton. Was I disturbing you in some way?" replied Berret.

"Yes, you were disturbing me!"

"I am relatively sure that I was near totally silent," explained Berret.

"Jeez, that's the problem. It's creepy when someone just sits there for an arn and just stares at you without saying anything."

"It was less then half an arn," corrected the Shrike.

"That's not the point," said Crichton waving one hand at him to cut him off before the conversation went off more on a tangent. "Whatever… listen, what is it you want?" he asked.

Surprisingly, Berret looked uncomfortable as if he were unsure on how to proceed with the subject.

"I was only observing you."

John shook his head as if the sentence didn't make much sense… and mostly it didn't, at least not to him.

"Observing me? For what?"

Berret's eyes narrowed and his forehead furrowed as he thought of the best way to phrase his next statement.

"When faced with a unfamiliar situation, a Enforcer is programmed to observe his prey to gather the proper intelligence," the Shrike said in explanation.

"WHAT!" John exclaimed, somewhat shocked at the comment, "You're planning a hit on me?"

"A… _hit_?" Berret queried curiously.

"You're planning on killing me?" Crichton clarified.

"No," the ex-assassin replied. "Should I be?" he asked a few microts later.

"NO!" the astronaut responded forcefully. "Listen… just tell me, in plain language, what _exactly_ is all this about?"

"On the commerce planet…" he began and then paused until John motioned for him to continue.

"I noticed that the female beings preferred your company over mine. We both have the same home-world origin, are relatively the same height, age, coloring, and both dressed in PK issue clothing, but still they seemed to prefer your company to mine. Your interaction with them was less … turbulent… than mine. Zhaan suggested I should attempt to learn from you in such matters, so I was observing you to ascertain why."

Crichton couldn't believe what he was hearing, it sounded like Berret was asking him for advice about attracting women.

"I thought you didn't really care about such things?" John asked.

"I do not."

"Then why are we having this discussion?" Crichton asked in bewilderment.

Berret tilted his head once again at the other man. It was then that the human realized that the ex-Enforcer had picked up the habit from Chiana.

"Zhaan has told me that such things are important none-the-less. Successful peaceful interaction with individuals outside of Moya's crew is to be desired."

"So now, you're looking for tips on how to interact with females outside of our comfy little club?" John questioned.

"If I understand you correctly… yes," Berret supplied.

"Okay. Well, for one thing," he said after he got over the slight shock, "You growled at those girls like D'argo in a bad mood."

"They're proximity was becoming too close," Berret replied as if it should have been obvious. "Tactically, they were putting us at a disadvantage if they attacked."

John held up his hands again to signal the ex-assassin to hold that thought.

"Yeah, but girls don't…like…to be growled at every time they go up to a guy," he tried to explain. "In most circles it's considered unfriendly."

Berret looked dumfounded, "So you are saying, the proper reaction would have been not to growl a warning?"

"Yes, growling is bad as far as trying to meet women is concern."

"I was not trying to meet them," the Shrike commented.

"But they were trying to meet you," corrected John.

"I see," said Berret. "So the correct response would have been a preemptive strike without warning?"

"NO!" yelled Crichton in disbelief. "What the hell ever gave you that idea? Why would you attack a couple of girls?"

"To prevent them from striking first, of course," answered Berret as if John where the one who'd taken leave of his senses. "Why else would they have approached so close without invitation?"

"That's the way girls meet guys out in bars," Crichton explained again in aspiration. "When they come up to you like that, that means they're interested in meeting you. They're not trying to assault you."

The ex-Enforcer lifted a doubting eyebrow. "How can you be sure?" he asked.

"Trust me," John said with a sigh. "The one universal constant I've learned while bouncing around the Territories is that the bar-room pickup ritual doesn't change much from species to species."

"Oh, I see," said Berret, the light seeming to dawn on him somewhat. "Interaction with other beings is very complicated and confusing."

"I know. It was probably easier when all you had to do was kill them," John answered offhandedly.

Surprisingly, a sad look flashed briefly across Berret's face, "No, I did not like killing anyone, and I do not find it easy doing so now."

Crichton felt like a heel in the next microt for his careless remark.

"I'm sorry, Berret. That slipped out before I thought about what I was saying. I didn't mean it."

"That is all right, Crichton. I am sorry for embarrassing you in the tavern," Berret apologized.

"Not a problem, forget it. Look, not everyone who comes up to you is trying to hurt you. Sometimes they just want to talk. You'll have to relax and figure it out for yourself when someone wants to chat or if they want to stab you in the back."

"Yes," said the Shrike with a frown, "I suppose that it will take some practice to learn the difference."

"You'll get the hang of it. Just think, you let Chiana walk up close to you and you don't think or worry about it."

"Chiana would never harm me," said Berret with a strange certainty.

"Don't count on that," mumbled Crichton before he could stop himself.

"Why do you say that?" asked the other man confused.

"Never mind, I did it again. Put my mouth in gear before I engaged my brain. Forget I said that."

"But you have already said it, how can it be forgotten? And I thought the brain had to be functioning before the mouth and vocal cords were capable of articulation? Is this an exception with Erp humans?"

"I'm beginning to think so," John put in while rubbing at the growing headache in his temples.

"I do not believe I suffer from it," Berret replied with a slight hint of satisfaction.

"Lucky you…"

Berret's eyebrows knitted together in serious contemplation at Crichton's quip.

"I fail to see where luck is a factor," he stated.

Crichton rested his head in both palm, "I don't believe this," he said and then looked back up at Berret.

"Can we just stick to the one subject if you don't mind?" he asked.

"I think we should. This interrogation session is getting very confusing," the Shrike agreed.

"Discussion," John corrected. "We are having a discussion. A interrogation is something totally different."

"Apologizes. This discussion is becoming confusing," the Shrike amended.

"No argument there," replied John who then held up one finger to cut Berret off before he could point out that they really weren't arguing,

"Bottom line, Berret, no more growling or planning retaliatory attacks on females when they approach you in bars if you want girls to talk to you. After all, you don't growl at Chiana, do you?"

"I have," admitted the Shrike.

"What happens?" asked Crichton in curiosity.

"She only laughs," explained Berret with a hint of glumness, "And then she says, 'I am cute,' and pats my cheek. She does not even take D'argo seriously when he growls at her."

"Yeah, well… that's Pip. Chiana seems to have her own rules for relationships," John told him.

Berret's lips twisted downward in that slight frown he usually wore when trying to figure something out.

"I believe you are correct in that assessment," he finally said a moment later.

"Anymore questions?" Crichton asked just as Aeryn entered the far side of the center chamber. The human visibly perked up at the sight of the Sebacean woman, who'd he'd hadn't had a chance to talk to since his return from the commerce planet a few arns ago.

"Yes," The Enforcer continued, "What was the purpose of the one woman putting that slip of paper down your clothing?" asked the Shrike, who then added as an afterthought, "Whenever Chiana attempts to place something inside my clothing, it usually is something very unpleasant done as a prank."

"Whoa!" said John standing up and ending the conversation before Aeryn could overhear. "That's enough instructional lessons for one day, we'll take about that some other time."

He smiled over to the ex-Peacekeeper and waved an innocent hello. Thankfully it appeared the ex-Peacekeeper wasn't paying any attention to the two males.

"Besides I threw that out," he finished in a low voice before he went to join the woman.

Berret blinked his eyes in confusion.

"But what was on it?" the Shrike asked himself in a low bewildered voice.

4


End file.
